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Learning to Stay Without Reaching

After writing the previous chapter, I realized that love is the one place where my growth still feels unfinished. I’ve learned to stand on my own—to rebuild my work, my values, my sense of self. I’ve learned to be patient with solitude and more disciplined with my fears. But love doesn’t respond to effort the way other parts of life do. It resists structure. It exposes what remains tender. And maybe that’s not a failure, but an invitation—to look more closely at how I connect, what I protect, and what I’m still afraid to ask for. At this stage of my life, I’m not sure what scares me more: rejection or ending up alone. Maybe that’s why I can be insistent—at times overwhelming—which ironically pushes away the very people I care about. But there’s something I’m beginning to accept: I need to become stronger in how I manage my emotions. Otherwise, anxiety takes the lead, and I act in ways that don’t reflect the kind of man I want to be. Instead of building connection, I create distance. An...
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Why Love Still Feels Unfinished?

  After writing the previous chapter, I realized that love is the one place where my growth still feels unfinished. I’ve learned to stand on my own, to rebuild my work, my values, my sense of self. I’ve learned to be patient with solitude and disciplined with my fears. But love doesn’t respond to effort the way other parts of life do. It resists structure. It exposes what remains tender. And maybe that’s not a failure, but an invitation—to look more closely at how I connect, what I protect, and what I’m still afraid to ask for. I don't understand why it has been so difficult—almost impossible—for me to find what they call love. At forty, I found myself feeling like I’m not enough for someone, like my way of loving is wrong, like I’ve failed in my past relationships. There haven’t been many, but I’ve learned from each of them. Still, there’s an emptiness they’ve left behind, and at times I truly believe I was born to be alone. I’ve talked about this often with my therapist. He tells...
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What My 40s Are Teaching Me.

 And here I go again. After seven months, I'm writing again, and this is a clear example of what I call a lack of consistency in what I do. A clear example of how my 40s are a turning point for reevaluating my values ​​and living more authentically, because that's what it's all about. My 40s are that midpoint of life where we look back on all the good, the bad, and the decisions we've made, restructuring our lives. For some, it's a late start; for others, it's a continuation of the things they've been doing well, but they always feel like something's missing for them to be completely happy. In short, for me, my 40s have been a redesign and a rediscovery of unfulfilled dreams. For me, this year in particular has been a redesign of certain aspects that I had never taken seriously, or that emerged in the search for tranquility. These concepts, with the help of my therapist, have forged a substantial change in my life over the last 41 years. One of the aspec...
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Early Trials

 Let’s be clear: I’m not the first, nor will I be the last, to come to the United States in search of better opportunities or, as we grew up hearing, “chasing the American dream.” Because we come here with certain expectations, and the reality is definitely different. Thanks to an immigration program, over 90,000 Nicaraguans were able to enter the U.S. legally through an airport port of entry, which made things a bit easier avoiding the risks that many face crossing the border. Not to mention the long and dangerous journey they take to get here. My first three months here were relatively calm and gave me time to reflect and compare my new reality with the one I left behind. It was a radical change, from the simplest things to the most complex. For example, spending the whole day in air conditioning.I can only imagine that electricity bill skyrocketing. That’s just one example, but I’m not here to talk about life’s trivialities. As I was saying, those first three months flew by. I w...
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The Goodbye I Never Prepared For

  The Goodbye I Never Prepared For Gratitude Before Everything Before anything else, I must say that this adventure would not have been possible without my sister. Her support and the opportunity to travel legally and peacefully made everything happen. Without her, this story would not exist. I could dive into the situation my country is going through—one of the many reasons I left, but that’s a tale for another time. Let’s call it a “filler chapter” for when I run out of things to write. The Beginning of It All Every story has a starting point, and this is mine. One day, out of nowhere, the opportunity arose for me to travel to the U.S. legally—without going through the lengthy visa process I had been contemplating. Everything happened so fast. I received my travel authorization in the blink of an eye. By February 22, 2023, I had the official approval, and from that moment, I knew there was no turning back. I consulted with my siblings, and together, we chose my departure date: Ap...
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A New Beginning

There are moments in life when we are forced to start over, not by choice, but by necessity. For me, that moment came in April 2023, when at 39 years old, I left Nicaragua and moved to the United States. A mix of excitement and fear ran through me as I stepped onto unfamiliar soil, knowing that my life was about to change forever. Starting over is never easy. It’s even harder when you’re not in your twenties anymore, when you’ve already built a life, established routines, and made plans that suddenly feel like they belong to a different version of yourself. But here I was—about to turn 40, in a new country, with dreams that felt bigger than ever and challenges that felt equally overwhelming. I was scared, but I was also determined. The Fear of Starting Over Leaving behind everything I knew—family, friends, traditions—was terrifying. I had to adapt to a new culture, a new way of life, and a new language (even though I spoke English, living in an English-speaking country full-time was a ...
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